Becoming a new parent is like being on perpetual standby– nothing takes priority over your baby’s welfare. Your time, energy, and sanity are all at their mercy.
Take my favorite hobbies, for example. First, I’d need to miraculously find time to indulge in them. But even if I do, my enjoyment is entirely contingent on Chloe’s cooperation. Watching a movie? Sure– as long as she doesn’t cry. And if she does? It doesn’t matter if Liam Neeson is mid-rampage in Taken, single-handedly dismantling a human trafficking ring– the movie stops. Chloe wins. Every. Single. Time.
Books and magazines? They’ve been downgraded to doctor’s waiting room status– just there to kill time until the next crying emergency demands my attention.
A baby’s attention requirements are nothing short of relentless.
Completely helpless, they rely on able-bodied adults to do their bidding. And their arsenal of control?
- Ear-piercing cries that could shatter glass.
- Disarmingly cute faces that trigger involuntary compliance.
When combined in varying proportions, these tactics override any form of adult resistance, reducing fully grown humans into obedient drones programmed to fulfill their every whim.
After two years of servitude to the tiniest (but most powerful) dictator I’ve ever met, it’s time for payback.
I’ve decided to secretly train Chloe in household maintenance– a carefully disguised “hand-eye coordination” development program. The syllabus includes:
- Floor cleaning
- TV console dusting
- Defragmenting my computer
- Queuing my favorite shows on BitTorrent
- Performing system maintenance
- Washing the car
- Making my morning coffee
And because structure is important in parenting, I’ll even draw up a chore schedule to help her develop responsibility (purely for her own good, of course).
Maybe it’s time to consider an army of kids– imagine the productivity levels! Hehehe.
